Becoming Whole With My Reflection
There is a title, Twin Flame, that has always left me unsettled. Not only does it suggest the strange notion of one soul split into two, but also it seems a little “woo-woo”. There is also a cult that uses this title as their name and are centered around money, control and manipulation. Having once been in a cult, I refrain from anything that can be associated with one. So, I will no longer be using the word twin flame, but rather, Reflection, my reflection, or soul’s reflection. How did this come to me? If you have another soul that is connected to yours, wouldn’t it be a reflection of your own soul? I tend to think of it in a medical stands point, when you lose a limb, you are missing a part of you, in the physical body. Now place a mirror towards the existing limb, and now you have a reflection of the existing limb, appearing as if you have two existing limbs as a whole. Each individual has obstacles that need to be worked on individually to overcome, heal, and grow. However, coming together, they create one, or become whole through reflection. People often ask me, “Does everyone have a soul reflection?” I try to avoid answering, because I honestly don’t know. I didn’t even know such a thing existed until I met mine. And because I am not in a position to define that truth for others, I can only share my own experience.
I had just broken free from my first marriage to a Mormon religious man who was controlling, manipulative, and abusive. I needed to reclaim myself—to prove to myself that I was a strong woman—and to find purpose through service. So, I enlisted in the United States Army. I left everything behind to build something of my own while helping others, enlisting as a 68W Combat Medic, as I was already EMT civilian side.
It was while stationed at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio, Texas, where I met my soul’s reflection. I will never forget that moment. It is engraved into my mind and soul. We were in the same unit and had been divided into small training groups. When I walked to the table where he was standing, our eyes met—and it felt as though he looked straight into my soul. Everything around us stopped. No sound. No other soldiers. No distractions. It was as if time itself paused, like a glitch in time and realm. I cannot fully explain the sensation of our energies connecting or the overwhelming feeling of home that washed over me. We hadn’t spoken a word yet; however, it felt as though we had communicated across lifetimes.
From that moment on, we were like magnets, drawn together in any way we could manage—finding reasons to talk, to share space, to simply be near each other. It was not sexual attraction. It was something far deeper: soul connection. Whenever we had passes off post, he would take me walking through gardens. Any chance to escape the rigid structure of military life and step into nature, we took. In those quiet places, I began to feel how deeply our souls are connected to one another and to Mother Earth, and how even the darkest chapters of our lives can hold beauty when we turn toward the ground beneath us that supports and holds us.
We became best friends, carrying each other through the darkest moments of our lives—most of them, at least, until the very end. Which then our connection shifted into something new and even more beautiful. We supported one another without judgment. When I was at my lowest and battling suicidal thoughts, (a lot of veterans have this demon) he told me, “This is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” And he was right.
When I was pregnant with both of my sons, my reflection was there, helping me find my way back to myself through the baby blues and postpartum depression. When I had to drive through blizzards, he kept me going, talking to me, until I arrived safely. When I was pregnant with my second son it was not well received, my reflection reassured me that everything would work out. He never spoke negatively about anyone I had in my life. He saw me—who I truly was and what I brought to this life —and only spoke encouragement. I returned that same energy of encouragement. When I needed to lose weight, or if I was trying to find my voice away from the abuse family that raised me, or even the cult I was raised in, my reflection was always there for me, supporting me.
We were both artistic and sent each other pictures of projects we were working on, usually things we planned to gift others. We joked that one day we would travel together, selling our creations like gypsies. My soul’s reflection was full of life, laughter, and humor—he made even the hardest moments bearable, sometimes fun. And somehow, we always came out stronger on the other side.
I will never forget the last time I saw him in this life, it was during COVID, when masks were required. Masks were a deep struggle for me because of trauma I experienced in the Army. - Men had held me down forcing a nasopharyngeal into my nose while holding my mouth closed so I had to breathe through my nose allowing the unlubricated piece of rigid rubber hose to be forced down my nasal passageway, showing other medics this can be done on anyone. My reflection hadn’t been present when this happened, but as we were in the same unit, he had heard what I endured and understood my trauma. - During this last visit, while we were in public, he wrapped me under his arm and shielded me from the glares and judgments of others. With him, everything felt safe. Everything felt light. We always ended up laughing.
My reflection wasn’t one to open up about his past, or what he was feeling, until you stepped away from the noise and allowed him support without judgement. He and I truly understood one another and never judged one other for our life choices, mistakes and short comings. We grew to see one another’s soul and not mortal flaws as we all carry them. Growth and healing come by looking beyond the ego and pride, seeing what truly lies within after all the titles are stripped away.
Those few days spent together creating a project, was the last I saw of my reflection in this life. He knew that I was struggling with my partner, my family who raised me, and my membership in the Mormon church. I won’t ever forget the look on his face when it was time for me to leave his house. Never judgement or ill words spoken about what I was experiencing. Only words how empowered of a woman I am, and how much in my heart I have to give to others. If I believed in my gifts, my soul would sing and I will be a source of power, love and support to so many, especially those who have walked in my shoes. How did he know all this? He knew my soul, he was indeed my reflection.
Not long after, I pulled away from my reflection in an attempt to save my second marriage. My partner and I had children together, and I believed I had to hold everything together—even if it meant conforming to a religion that wasn’t truly me and obeying what the church and my parents told me. They taught by putting God first it would fix everything. I remember going to church, with my sons but without my partner, as he was not a member of this cult, and sobbing through sacrament meeting I was told I would have to stop speaking to my reflection, as it was highly frowned upon being friends with a male that was not your partner, and if I wanted to make my marriage work in God’s eye’s I needed to discontinue. It felt like I was leaving part of my soul behind. I told myself it was temporary, that we would reconnect when things settled.
Later that year, I separated from my partner and everything became chaos. My parents were telling me what to do, not let my partner win, and to keep him away from me and our sons. It was an awful place I was in, and I wanted not only to make things right with my partner and was hoping my parents were lying as they had been telling me things about my partner since the day we were together to get us to part. But I also so badly wanted to talk to my best friend, my reflection once more and make things feel like they were bearable and that everything would work out as they had always over the years.
Little did I know at this time, he was going through another dark time in his life, and I wasn’t there. A few days after my partner and I separated, my reflection took his own life, something we had both spent years checking in with each other ensuring we were squared away, realizing we could get through anything knowing whatever we were facing was a temporary situation and not to end it with a permanent solution.
I felt something was off in so many ways during the time I was separated from my partner, fighting with the legal court systems, and my parents, church and another narcissist man who insisted that I be his girlfriend in all the chaos. So many times, I wanted it all to end, but felt that there was someone looking over me and encouraging me to keep on going.
When I finally had time to breathe, I looked to the internet to find my reflection, knowing that something wasn’t right and that he may not be alive, hoping that my intuition was wrong. Unfortunately, intuition never lies. And that was exactly what I found. He left this life January 12, 2022. I knew how he died, without knowing, there was not cause of death, but my soul knew.
I couldn’t mourn openly—not to my partner, not to my family, not to anyone. I carried my grief alone. A part of me died with him. And yet, if I am honest, I never truly felt he was gone. Physically, yes. But spiritually, I felt him with me. Strange things would happen in my home or daily life that felt like him letting me know he was still there, still watching over me, still beside me, taking me under his arm and watching over me as he once had in this life. That he will never leave, we are in this healing journey together. He has always had my six and will continue to do so.
Later that year, I went to a yoga retreat on lands where my Anishinaabe ancestors once lived and harvested wild rice. Close to where my great uncle and other Anishinaabe family lived and were buried. One afternoon I went out to the dock on the lake, lit a candle, burned palo santo and wrote a letter filled with grief and promises. I promised him I would continue on in this life no matter how dark or hard it got. Promises my reflection knew were within my soul and that I was afraid to let shine. I looked up from tearing this letter up and allowing the wind to take it and saw a loon on the lake. He lifted his body up out of the water spreading his wings and looking directly at me. I knew that this was sign that everything was going to be ok. And that my reflection was telling me that I have so much power and this was the beginning of a new chapter. He was with me.
Loons are a powerful animal. They are the deep divers, having a history with the Anishinaabe tribe, the land, and also an animal I gravitated to and loved as a child growing up in Duluth, Minnesota. I learned to make a loon call using my hands when I was a little girl, always feeling connected to loons. Now I feel that connection more, as the loon is one of my animal totems.
This is also when I received the download to start my business in energy healing and that it was to be called Sacred Loon. No other name felt worthy of this business helping guide others in their journey as I was being led by my guides and ancestors.
Not long after I created my business, I felt my reflection in an impactful way, it was time to meet his sister. I had never met her, only knew of her from what he told me. Yet she lived right down the road from him. I don’t remember how his sister’s information came to me, I was hesitant to reach out, as I didn’t want to stir up unsettled emotions, not sure if she wanted the past to come forward back into the present. However, I had many signs from my reflection telling me to contact his sister, which I finally listened. Her response was welcoming and wanted to meet. We conversed in texting up until I drove down to meet her, and her family.
When I checked into the hotel, all the doubt came rushing back. I woke in the wee hours of the morning feeling as though my reflection was present. I turned on the TV, only for it to say there was no signal, even though it had worked just hours before. So I picked up my phone and put on Shameless, the last show Reflection and I had watched together. Eventually I fell back asleep, and when my alarm woke me, the song “Angel” was stuck in my head, even though it had been years since I had heard it. There I was, alone in a cold hotel room, and I could still feel Reflection’s presence.
As I got ready for the day, a couple of other things happened—things only he and I would have understood. Right before I was about to leave, I once again questioned whether I should tell my reflection’s sister that I still feel him, that we are still connected. I pulled an oracle card. It mirrored exactly what had come through in one of my past life regressions and in my dreams, and the words on it were precisely what my reflection would have told me if he were still here in the mortal world.
When I went to meet his sister, it felt like sitting with a fragment of my reflection. What unfolded was something we both needed—we needed one another to remember him and to keep the flame he carried still burning. I also learned that my intuition had been right: he took his own life in a place that was sacred and special to him. The circumstances were less desirable and not the way he would have wanted to leave this world. I never imagined my reflection would be the one to go first. And now I was left behind… but was I really? I continue to feel my reflection daily, but now I gained a sister. His sister has become mine, and Auntie to my sons. She is a spitfire and reminds me of the fun and humor my reflection had in this life. We now have one another to keep his memory alive and to bring healing to us all.
Even now I sometimes question whether our connection is real or whether grief is creating illusions, as the cult I was raised in caused me to doubt my psychic gifts, and the wound runs deep. However, each time I ask him for another confirmation, he comes to me in dreams, patient as ever, reminding me that our bond is real.
This past year, I was honored to be asked to provide the opening ceremony circle for the River Valley Yoga Festival. During my drumming, while white copal and sage lay smoldering, faint sounds of a loon’s call drifted through the air. It was unusual to hear a loon at all, as we were not near a body of water and the river was far from our location. As the sound drew nearer, my heart began to quicken. Realizing it was getting closer, everyone looked up to see the loon flying in our direction and then directly above the altar circle gathered around. The loon was so low and close that I felt I could have reached up and touched him. For me, it was a reminder not only from Reflection, but also from my ancestors, that I was on the right path with Celtic Shamanism and that I was being watched over. My heart overflowed with joy, and tears streamed down my face that morning.
Recently, another sign that Reflection is with me was during a meditation painting session. I was told to choose three colors. I chose blue, green, and a bright magenta that stood out even though I dislike pink. During the meditation I felt him there, blending his soul with mine as we healed together. The painting became blue on one side, green on the other, blending, with magenta woven through it representing shared pain. On my way home, I felt a message that I am meant to keep his memory alive, transforming the darkness of how he left into light through helping others heal. The colors, I realized, were the colors of the earth, which always supports us as we come back to her in nature.
Another night getting together with a few of my soul sisters, we each had a tarot reading. I was asked if I came into the reading with any intention or something specific on my mind. I replied I hadn’t, but then stopped and told her that I was doubting myself a lot about my reflection and if we truly were connected or if it was an illusion caused by grief.
When the session began my reflection was present next to us both. She told me that we needed to begin right away as she felt this energy of my reflection and he was anxious. I did not tell her details regarding my reflection, how he died, my not knowing right away, my life, or future plans. She read my angel numbers and while shuffling the deck, the Dark Man card flew out. She informed me when my reflection left this life, he was attracted to me as a moth is to a flame. He had a dark past and left this life in darkness and has been connected to me for my light. He connected to me right away after he left this life and before I knew of his departure. It is my turn to help him heal, as he tried to help me heal in this life from abuse, cult, and to peel back the layers and titles of who my soul truly is.
We truly are connected and we each have one another’s six. Everything I was feeling and experiencing was real. He still communicates to me in the way he and I only understand. He is one of my guides with my ancestors, together we can do great things and I must stop doubting my power.
I am an Aries Sun with a Cancer Moon. He was a Cancer Sun with an Aries Moon. We mirrored each other.
So, I will keep the promises I made—to live fully, to be adventurous, to be unapologetically myself, and to help other women find their voices and their truth beneath the noise and labels. If people try to make me small, I will stand tall, walk away, and refuse to give my loving energy to negativity. Those who know me know my soul. I know my soul. And that will never change for any audience. In the end, the only one who needs pleasing is my own soul. I am responsible for my happiness, my life, and my truth. Because I carry my reflection with me, I can see the mirror in others. We all have trauma and demons, but healing comes from within, not from lashing outward. We all can embrace the journey of healing in our own ways, with respect for others, and come out strong empowered women.
This life is a wild ride—one that can be beautiful and full of light even when the world feels dark. Remember, you are the light in the darkness. Light the path. Find the other lights along the way. Embrace yourself. Embrace the light. Mother Earth will always hold and support you through her lands, her nature, and the ancestors who once walked these same paths.
We are never alone.
We are supported.
We are loved.
We are empowered.
